Friendship
Friendship has left a huge hole in my heart. (Graphic, I know) I’ve wrestled with the idea and reality of friendship for a very long time. In my teens, many nights were filled with tears, wondering why genuine connection was so distant. I would often manipulate my personality to avoid feeling alone and heartbroken. Hopeful that college would be different, I carried an imagination full of A Different World episodes confident that I would find my tribe. But, I felt more isolated than ever as I struggled to find my place among the many student groups and organizations.
At this point, despair and offense started to win me over. I settled on the delusion that my relationships would always be fleeting and superficial. That every major milestone and birthday would be plagued by an achy heart. I began micromanaging every slight change in tone or delayed text response, looking for a reason to point fingers. I had to maintain a sense of safety, even if it meant overreacting.
As I’ve matured in my faith, I appreciate that there are two sides to every story. I recognize that I cannot feign ignorance and blame every affront on the other party. I have hurt and been hurt. I have offended and been offended. I look back on a lot of relationships where a simple “I’m sorry” would have repaired what was broken. Had I taken the route of humility, I would have salvaged the remains and started to rebuild.
But my hope is not lost. Lately, the Lord has been comforting me with Philippians 4:8.
“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”
Instead of focusing on what is missing, I’m choosing to celebrate what I have. This year has brought some sweet friendships and I am hopeful they will remain. I have set my mind to be a better and more forgiving friend. I have chosen to let go of past resentments and strive to keep the truth in front of me.
If you struggle to maintain friendships, know that you are not alone. I am praying that you find your community and that it sharpens, uplifts, and brings you joy. I pray that you are comforted during your moments of loneliness and strengthened to remain hopeful. I pray that you will not compare yourself, but look to Jesus as your guide. Don’t give up, believe with me that they will come, as our Lord does not withhold any good thing.